Unexpected Call

Got an unexpected call from her last night around 10:40pm. She asked me out for a drink. Picked me up and went to a nearby "mamak" store We talked a little. She looked troubled, but she kept saying "Nothing's wrong" with a lovely smile. We talked about what we've been doing since we've split. She ordered something to eat.

Chat for another 30 mins and after she ate we made a move. I noticed that when we were talking she would just look into space and look lost. Those eyes never lie, there is something wrong. But she dosen't want to talk or open up.

I didn't know what else to do but just make conversation and keep her occupied. I know that I don't talk much and I don't joke much. I try to but maybe it's just me.

She dropped me off at my place and that was history.

I kept asking but she keeps saying "nothing, i'm just stressed."

End of conversation.

Words....

I have been thinking (again!) about what had been said before. This conversation kept repeating in my head the entire day. Was one of our many conversations while we were just lying down cuddling each other and just looking at each other.

K: You're mine now and I'm yours forever
A: Are you sure?
K: Yes
A: I love you so much
K: How much?
A: So much I wouldn't know what to do without you
K: Me too

There were so many times we had this conversation. I didn't think I could remember this one so clearly.

Brushing her hair the way she likes it. She always liked the way I did that.

Games?

Is love a game? If you're too tired with it you just get up and say "I had enough?" just like that without talking it through with your significant other?

That's the kind of cold treatment I got from her. Everyday I ask myself, why me? Why did I deserve this? After all I've done. I would have done anything and everything to make her happy.

Is this the kind of treatment or life for a person who gives up everything for someone? If I knew I wouldn't have started this game.

There were so many times I wanted to give up, break up & leave. But I'm not the kind of person who would just get up and leave, or find the easy way out. I always find alternate ways to get through LIFE!

Sometime these questions are just better left alone.

Waking up....alone

It's a weird feeling, waking up alone and knowing that the person you really really love is not there anymore to hugg and cuddle you anymore.

I used to watch her sleeping when ever I can. That's how I appreciated her true beauty. She would be the laziest person to shove to wake up. But still, it was nice to see someone really cares. Being able to stay together for 4 years is called loyalty. The smell of her hair and being able to caress her, giving her a smooch and hugging her the way she likes it.

I'm going to miss all of that. Trying to forget is painful. Trying to let go is excruciating.

She was an angel to me. Kind, caring, beautiful and understanding.

I can't believe loving an angel could cause so much hurt.

Things i did with my time

I heard a song on the radio and MTV by Papa Roach, called Scars. Part of the lyrics really touched me:

I tear my heart open,
I sew myself shut,
My weakness is that I care too much,
The scars remind us that the past is real,
I tear my heart open just to feel

So many songs related to all the pain in life. Wonder why I only hear them now. Guess I wasan't listening.

Got to watch another movie yesterday on DVD, Paycheck. Not a bad show overall. Makes you wonder what the future holds. If you knew your future would you change it? If you changed it how would it effect your life? and since you know your fate, would you even try?

I give it a 7 out of 10.

What is Love?

When it comes to questions like this, how do we justify or say what Love between 2 people is about? Everyone has their own visual or reality of what Love really is. Well to me Love between 2 people is all about,

1) understanding each other
2) sacrifices for that person
3) doing anything to see that person everyday
4) changing for that person
5) communicating with that person
6) making that person feel special and happy
7) buy presents
8) make that effort to do the small things that would be super special to that person
9) when the other person says, "nothing" it means something

Imagine having to do all that in 6 years and just before you wanted to ask that person to get engaged....they say "I don't love you anymore".

I always thought that Love is all about commitment and loyalty. IT IS!.

But this isn't the case for some people. Loyalty is all about how good the love is, how much love is there in a relationship. For a couple to continue on with a relationship they have to work things out.

The things I did in the past, so many times before. I just didn't realise untill today. I've done so much to try to make her happy. I tried to do too many things at once, they all crumbled down. The things I should have said before, now I regret not saying it. The things I should have done before, now I regret not doing it.

I stood by her side all the way. Through sickness, operations, stress, money problems, the list goes on and on. I was there all the time. I was the pillar of hope in her eyes. I was her joy and love. I was her shoulder to cry on. In her eyes I was an angel........I still am. I can only hope that she can meet someone as nice as I am. Am I a nice guy?

Now she feels sorry for me because she has hurt me. She still cares for me as a friend. I respect that. Everyday I try to forget I get these flashbacks of our relationship. First it would be the things that I would do for her all the time. Second would be asking myself, why didn't I do that more often. Third is wondering what else I didn't do. Fourth is what I did to deserve this. Fifth, is coming back to reality.

Am I really a nice guy? Leave your comments. Pls.

Prayer

It's hard when you try to forget something and everywhere you go it reminds you of it. Its so tough to let go of it, I've been strong about it. I'm over it.

Let me pray for her. God I hope you're listening or reading this because I mean it from the bottom of my heart & soul.

I pray that Kelly has a happy life, I pray that she is safe from harm, I pray that she gets what she wants in life & I pray she finds another person who sees her the way I did through your eyes, god. Plus I pray for her family who has taken good care of us when we were together. Bless them with all your good will.

There is no point for me to be sad now. Nobody is going to comfort me anymore.

Life Changes

It's weird, today I feel normal. I haven't totally forgotten, but it's easier to accept my life as it is today. But the downside is that I have nothing else to do but sit at home palying games and watching TV.

Finished work at 2pm, meeting till 5pm, stayed home till 6pm. Went back to the office at 6:30pm. Just sat down and did some work. Quieter envrioment, but that's normal, what's not normal is that there are people here who are still working. 2 of my Team mates were shocked to see me in the office again and said "i tought we were crazy for staying so late, looks like we're not the only ones! lolz".

Maybe it's just an excuse, but it's the only thing I can think of. I am tired but I don't want to sleep, there is so much to do. Question in my mind is, "what is it that I want to do?"

I love my job right now. I see myself staying long term here. But after all the recent change in my life, I have been thinking of getting out of the country and starting somewhere new. There are opportunities out there, we'll let fate decide the next move.

The Past..

Many times before I asked myself "what would it be like if it didn't do what I did in the past?". I also wondered if I made the right choices in life. If only we could change what we had done, maybe life won't be as it is today.

I guess it's time for me to make a choice today. So I choose to move on with life, I can't hold on to something which dosen't allow me to hold on to anymore. Everytime I try, I slip, I fall further down, deeper into that hole called depression and obsession.

Thinking back about my life sure has made me more focused today. All the choices that I made and all things that I tought I had, they make sense now. We can't have everything, it's either you have it or you don't....move on!

I know I've made some wrong choices, all for the wrong reasons. But I guess you could say we learn from our mistakes. Every choice has a risk, where it would take you is unknown.

We'll find out in time.

..Fate and Faith..

Maybe it's just me, but I always feel that everything I do or plan never turns out right. For example, I plan to watch a movie but seems the cinema is full. Wanted to get some food at this nice restraunt, but it's closed for today only!.

In life it's even worst. I'd rather not talk about it here. But to sum it all up, nothing comes out right. Planning everything to even the finest points won't help. All hell will break loose for some god forsaken reason!

Life is twisted and confusing. It's never how it seems to be, too bad we can't start over again with all the knowledge we have picked up.

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