Unexpected Call

Got an unexpected call from her last night around 10:40pm. She asked me out for a drink. Picked me up and went to a nearby "mamak" store We talked a little. She looked troubled, but she kept saying "Nothing's wrong" with a lovely smile. We talked about what we've been doing since we've split. She ordered something to eat.

Chat for another 30 mins and after she ate we made a move. I noticed that when we were talking she would just look into space and look lost. Those eyes never lie, there is something wrong. But she dosen't want to talk or open up.

I didn't know what else to do but just make conversation and keep her occupied. I know that I don't talk much and I don't joke much. I try to but maybe it's just me.

She dropped me off at my place and that was history.

I kept asking but she keeps saying "nothing, i'm just stressed."

End of conversation.

Words....

I have been thinking (again!) about what had been said before. This conversation kept repeating in my head the entire day. Was one of our many conversations while we were just lying down cuddling each other and just looking at each other.

K: You're mine now and I'm yours forever
A: Are you sure?
K: Yes
A: I love you so much
K: How much?
A: So much I wouldn't know what to do without you
K: Me too

There were so many times we had this conversation. I didn't think I could remember this one so clearly.

Brushing her hair the way she likes it. She always liked the way I did that.

Games?

Is love a game? If you're too tired with it you just get up and say "I had enough?" just like that without talking it through with your significant other?

That's the kind of cold treatment I got from her. Everyday I ask myself, why me? Why did I deserve this? After all I've done. I would have done anything and everything to make her happy.

Is this the kind of treatment or life for a person who gives up everything for someone? If I knew I wouldn't have started this game.

There were so many times I wanted to give up, break up & leave. But I'm not the kind of person who would just get up and leave, or find the easy way out. I always find alternate ways to get through LIFE!

Sometime these questions are just better left alone.

Waking up....alone

It's a weird feeling, waking up alone and knowing that the person you really really love is not there anymore to hugg and cuddle you anymore.

I used to watch her sleeping when ever I can. That's how I appreciated her true beauty. She would be the laziest person to shove to wake up. But still, it was nice to see someone really cares. Being able to stay together for 4 years is called loyalty. The smell of her hair and being able to caress her, giving her a smooch and hugging her the way she likes it.

I'm going to miss all of that. Trying to forget is painful. Trying to let go is excruciating.

She was an angel to me. Kind, caring, beautiful and understanding.

I can't believe loving an angel could cause so much hurt.

Things i did with my time

I heard a song on the radio and MTV by Papa Roach, called Scars. Part of the lyrics really touched me:

I tear my heart open,
I sew myself shut,
My weakness is that I care too much,
The scars remind us that the past is real,
I tear my heart open just to feel

So many songs related to all the pain in life. Wonder why I only hear them now. Guess I wasan't listening.

Got to watch another movie yesterday on DVD, Paycheck. Not a bad show overall. Makes you wonder what the future holds. If you knew your future would you change it? If you changed it how would it effect your life? and since you know your fate, would you even try?

I give it a 7 out of 10.

What is Love?

When it comes to questions like this, how do we justify or say what Love between 2 people is about? Everyone has their own visual or reality of what Love really is. Well to me Love between 2 people is all about,

1) understanding each other
2) sacrifices for that person
3) doing anything to see that person everyday
4) changing for that person
5) communicating with that person
6) making that person feel special and happy
7) buy presents
8) make that effort to do the small things that would be super special to that person
9) when the other person says, "nothing" it means something

Imagine having to do all that in 6 years and just before you wanted to ask that person to get engaged....they say "I don't love you anymore".

I always thought that Love is all about commitment and loyalty. IT IS!.

But this isn't the case for some people. Loyalty is all about how good the love is, how much love is there in a relationship. For a couple to continue on with a relationship they have to work things out.

The things I did in the past, so many times before. I just didn't realise untill today. I've done so much to try to make her happy. I tried to do too many things at once, they all crumbled down. The things I should have said before, now I regret not saying it. The things I should have done before, now I regret not doing it.

I stood by her side all the way. Through sickness, operations, stress, money problems, the list goes on and on. I was there all the time. I was the pillar of hope in her eyes. I was her joy and love. I was her shoulder to cry on. In her eyes I was an angel........I still am. I can only hope that she can meet someone as nice as I am. Am I a nice guy?

Now she feels sorry for me because she has hurt me. She still cares for me as a friend. I respect that. Everyday I try to forget I get these flashbacks of our relationship. First it would be the things that I would do for her all the time. Second would be asking myself, why didn't I do that more often. Third is wondering what else I didn't do. Fourth is what I did to deserve this. Fifth, is coming back to reality.

Am I really a nice guy? Leave your comments. Pls.

Prayer

It's hard when you try to forget something and everywhere you go it reminds you of it. Its so tough to let go of it, I've been strong about it. I'm over it.

Let me pray for her. God I hope you're listening or reading this because I mean it from the bottom of my heart & soul.

I pray that Kelly has a happy life, I pray that she is safe from harm, I pray that she gets what she wants in life & I pray she finds another person who sees her the way I did through your eyes, god. Plus I pray for her family who has taken good care of us when we were together. Bless them with all your good will.

There is no point for me to be sad now. Nobody is going to comfort me anymore.

Life Changes

It's weird, today I feel normal. I haven't totally forgotten, but it's easier to accept my life as it is today. But the downside is that I have nothing else to do but sit at home palying games and watching TV.

Finished work at 2pm, meeting till 5pm, stayed home till 6pm. Went back to the office at 6:30pm. Just sat down and did some work. Quieter envrioment, but that's normal, what's not normal is that there are people here who are still working. 2 of my Team mates were shocked to see me in the office again and said "i tought we were crazy for staying so late, looks like we're not the only ones! lolz".

Maybe it's just an excuse, but it's the only thing I can think of. I am tired but I don't want to sleep, there is so much to do. Question in my mind is, "what is it that I want to do?"

I love my job right now. I see myself staying long term here. But after all the recent change in my life, I have been thinking of getting out of the country and starting somewhere new. There are opportunities out there, we'll let fate decide the next move.

The Past..

Many times before I asked myself "what would it be like if it didn't do what I did in the past?". I also wondered if I made the right choices in life. If only we could change what we had done, maybe life won't be as it is today.

I guess it's time for me to make a choice today. So I choose to move on with life, I can't hold on to something which dosen't allow me to hold on to anymore. Everytime I try, I slip, I fall further down, deeper into that hole called depression and obsession.

Thinking back about my life sure has made me more focused today. All the choices that I made and all things that I tought I had, they make sense now. We can't have everything, it's either you have it or you don't....move on!

I know I've made some wrong choices, all for the wrong reasons. But I guess you could say we learn from our mistakes. Every choice has a risk, where it would take you is unknown.

We'll find out in time.

..Fate and Faith..

Maybe it's just me, but I always feel that everything I do or plan never turns out right. For example, I plan to watch a movie but seems the cinema is full. Wanted to get some food at this nice restraunt, but it's closed for today only!.

In life it's even worst. I'd rather not talk about it here. But to sum it all up, nothing comes out right. Planning everything to even the finest points won't help. All hell will break loose for some god forsaken reason!

Life is twisted and confusing. It's never how it seems to be, too bad we can't start over again with all the knowledge we have picked up.

...

* mistakes *

I have made so many mistakes in life. I just made another. If you've been following, me and my long time partner have gone our seperate ways. Problem is I can't forget, I had this bad feeling from the bottom of my heart. It felt like it was falling apart, like a broken mirror, into pieces.

I wanted to speak to her regarding this problem as a friend. But she just didn't want to talk about it and shrugged me off. I was calm at first. But then I foced myself to talk to her, she listened. Suddenly my rage, anger unleashed. I was screaming at her, shouting at her, calling her things that i shouldn't have. Deep down i know it was wrong. But I couldn't control it anymore, it just came out, all that anger, rage & pain that i have kept to myself over all those years I sacrificed.

I then thanked her for listening to my rage speaking.

After that I realized, that I had done the one thing I have heard all my friends advised me NOT to do. Trying to cling onto something that you can't hold on to anymore. "Just let it go!" they all said. "Move on" some say.

Thanks all my friends. I appreciate all your help and concerns. My life has been much better with ya'll around. I hope to be able to help everyone I know in any way that I can possibly can.

Cheers!

...Letting Go...

Why do I feel this bad trying to let go? I just want to let go of my past and look ahead to the future. The hard part in all this is that I feel so lonely, but to solve this I need to hang out with friends. Problem is that I don't have many friends to hang out with.

I feel depressed, I have started smoking just to get the tension out of my mind. I know its wrong, its bad. But I have nothing else to lose in life apart from living the rest of my days and not knowing what the future holds for me. What's the correct path to choose? How do I live my life from now?

All so confusing! All this anger!

..fuzzzy feelings..

Today I feel good but in a way I do miss Kelly alot. A LOT.

Started the day waking up early, felling much better than before. Made some calls to a few old friends and we went out for lunch. Ate at Oriental Cafe near KDU. Not a bad place, quite cozy. Had Fried Rice with a soft drink. The place was pratically a small pub with a small stage for a band to play.

They had music playing on the speakers, mostly old love songs. I was thinking "Not bad". We continued to chat, eat and smoke. Then there was this song that was playing, I asked my good friend, what is the name of this song? He replied "Heaven Knows, by Rick Price. Its a nice song." So I noted it down, later after lunch I went straight home and downloaded that song. At the same time I searched for the lyrics.

Download Complete!

Clicked on the file and the music started and I got ready to read the lyrics with the song. Let me post the lyrics here 1st:

She's always on my mind,from the time i wake up
'till i close my eyes
she's everywhere i go
she's all i know

'Though she's so far away
it's just keeps getting stronger
every day
and even now she's gone
i'm still holding on

So tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus:
Maybe my love will come back some day
only heaven knows
and maybe our hearts will find their wayonly heaven knows
and all i can do is hope and pray'cause heaven knows

My friends keep telling me
that if you really love her
you've gotta set her free
and if she returns in kind
i'll know she's mine

But tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus

Why i live in despair
'cause wide awake or dreaming
i know she's never there
and all these time i act so brave
i'm shaking inside
why does it hurt me so...

chorus

heaven knows...

Ok, back to the story.... After reading the 3rd - 4th line my eyes started to get wattery, without warning I felt like crying, yes I was going to cry. Then when the song got to the chorus, I cried, tears flowing down my face, I couldn't stop it. I broke down and continued to cry. While the song continued till the end.

After the song ended and about 5 minutes later I felt better. I read the lyrics again. I had no idea what happened. The song actually hit those feelings that I have been trying to hide and forget. I noticed that the songs lyrics are exactly what I am going through with love life.

Now I'm starting to wonder, that song actually made me think. Do I still have a chance? Will there be a possibility of getting together again? She meant so much to me, my life & my soul. But there are no answers to these questions.

She said that she can't have both and I told her "I hope you're happy with your choice. I don't want to see you sad and hurt."

Nothing else i can say today.....................out.

moving forward--->

Seems that work today isn't too bad. It's friday! who the hell feels bad on a friday? If you do you have issues my friend. At least on my side all the work that was suppose to be done is completed and finished! No more hanging cases to carry over to next week, apart from calling the customer and asking "How is everything now? blah blah blah...blah..blah".

Enough about freaking work! Let's get down to business. Waaaaiit a minute, what business? I'm sorry my mind is totally working on its own today. But at least I feel good today. Everything is going smoothly, I've got a plan in life. I know I have to do something about it and I will DO IT!

Lately all these crazy stuff happening, sad, yet, different. You never know what life has in store for you at the next junction. So I have decided to let my life flow naturally. I can't have everything I want, I'll just let it happen. Learning is part of life and I have learned new things over these few weeks. I am now looking at a bigger picture and it isn't that small after all.hehe.

Well I guess I gota plan something for the weekend, would love to go shopping for car parts and stuff. But there isn't much choice in Penang.

Darn!

...Another day Another way...

It started out as a good day. Woke up around 4:20am, got dressed for work and did what I was suppose to do. Then it struck me that I had some cases that I need to follow up today.

Found out that the service that I had sent for the customer didn't go through. After some digging here and there, I found out that the people who were suppose to call the customer didn't do so when I stated it clearly that it must be done before FRIDAY!!! Which means it's suppose to be done today you freaking farkkkkers.

Now the customer is fusrated and has contacted Customer Service and demanding she get a refund. Isn't that just nice?

All screwed up, I had to talk to the customer to make sure she understands the process and what kind of steps I'm going to do before I can get it done.

AAARRRGGGHH!!! Why is life so real? I would like to live in a surreal realm where I can do anything!

..........................

...Only Time Will Heal...

Well there isn't much left to say for my relationship with Kelly. I wish her the best and I hope she will be happier from now on. We decided to just be friends now, I respect that.

At least she knows what she did was wrong, but instead of changing the situation she chose the easier way out.

What a coincidence, she met that guy on th Feburary 4th, they went out for lunch at a nice restaraunt on the 14th and we seperated on the 24th. Then on March 14th I decided to let it all go.

Wanted to show Kelly a nice hompage that I was making for us. Was going to show it to her on April 6th 2005. Alas, time isn't on my side. Here's the link if anyone's intrested http://kelnd.tripod.com I wanted to put more stuff in it but I don't see the point anymore.

That's life I guess. I feel so hurt, I tried to drink my sorrows away but that isn't me.

Time to move on. Time to heal.

I heard this quote from a good friend of mine "learn from our mistakes". Thanks Pal.

Escalations!

Wow, never tought a Friday would be a bad day. Apparently I was wrong. Got 2 cases which are pending for closure on Monday.

But you know what, I still enjoy my job now. Although I don't see myself answering calls in another 1 year from now. I refuse to stay at this position for long.

The route to the top is there, it's how to get there which is a challenge.

Managed to watch Oceans 12 today. Not a bad movie, but still the 1st show is the best. Plots and twist were expected but there were a few suprises that made the ending great. I rate it 7/10 on the Andy's Movie Scale.

..The Start Of A BLOG..

Here I am. Starting a BLOG for the 1st time. I'm new to this so I hope this goes well.

First off I'll introduce myself, My name is Andy and I live in Penang, Malaysia.

I'm currently working in a call center as a Techical Support Agent for Desktop computers, been working there for the last 3 months. Before that I was still in the same company but working in a different department, answering call after call after call.

I'm intrested in Cars, Games, Music, Movies, Gadgets & Computers.

I would like to someday own a nice sports car, house on the hill and live life to the fullest.

OMG all this sounds l@me! I'm not sure what to write now, but I'll be back with more crap soon.